8 Relationship Killers to Avoid this Valentine’s Day
It’s Valentine’s Day and You’re Pissed.
You’re seeing couples all over the place…Hugging, holding hands, kissing–way too much.
All because of a man-made holiday made to sell cheap chocolates, flowers and overpriced Prix Fixe Restaurant dinners.
And here you are, looking across the table at the person you once found so amazing, so transfixing, so magical…
And you’re wondering…why does everyone else seem to be having so much more fun than we are?
You’re even starting to get that FOMO feeling–Fear Of Missing Out.
Everything was so easy in the beginning. You saw each other. You fell in love. Easy breezy. No problemo.
And then slowly, incrementally…something changed. What once seemed natural now feels…forced.
Your partner–they don’t seem to be as entranced by you. They’re not as fun, frisky or friendly as they once were. They used to look at you like you were so special, so unique, so damn attractive…
And now what are they doing? Not a hell of a lot. They’re just sitting there–not treating you like God’s greatest creation
Damn them to hell!
You’ve fallen into a rut, and you are only now realzing it.
And you may even have started, almost unconsciously acting in a way that is guaranteed to be a Relationship Killer.
What’s a Relationship Killer?
A Relationship Killer is an attitude or behavior that is almost guaranteed to nuke your relationship to kingdom come. It’s something you do or don’t do to show your partner that they aren’t important, special or unique.
So let’s run through them..
And hey, if you want to bomb your relationship to hell, here’s the guide.
Relationship Killer #1: Build a Wall
Look, they havent done anything nice for you in weeks. Why should you reach out to them? That would just reward them for being so mean.
It’s time to ‘build a wall.’
Have an impulse to hug them?
Want to kiss them but fear they’ll pull away?
Stuff that feeling.
Have a choice between Netflix or pulling them into the bedroom?
Get that remote and a big bag of chips.
Let your partner know that if they want to end the ‘cold war’ it’s their move.
And when you’re in public?
For God’s sake, avoid those icky Public Displays of Affection. Yuck!
Relationship Killer #2: Be Cold As Ice:
Why should you show them you care?
They’re not going out of their way.
Why should you?
Wait it out.
And when they come to you with their problems?
Act annoyed. No sympathy.
Their problems are their problems.
Until they show their interest in you, ignore their ass.
Relationship Killer #3: Go Ahead–Multi-Task
Why do they always come to you with their stupid-ass problems?
Haven’t they told you about their annoying co-worker a thousand times already?
When they DO come to you with their troubles, feel free to scroll through your social media, the news, email on your phone.
You’ve heard all of this before…Half-listening is good enough.
And by all means, shut down the conversation as soon as you can by offering them solutions to their problems–dont wait for them to ask–just offer advice freely–that way maybe they’ll shut up and let you get back to your endless scroll.
Relationship Killer #4: Never Apologize-Never Give In
You shrank his favorite sweater when you washed his clothes?
He should be grateful. You were trying to help him.
You accused her of flirting but have no evidence?
That’s ok…it’s a good warning–no need for apology.
If you didn’t mean to hurt them, if the mistake was unintentional, they should just accept your good intentions.
Besides if you apologize they’ll just use your mistake for their next big argument against you.
Apologies are for weaklings and losers. No surrender.
Relationship Killer #5: Take It All For Granted.
She made the bed and cleaned the room when you were late for work?
So what? That’s what partners are for.
He cooked dinner tonight because you worked late?
Why shouldnt he? You do so much for him…
THey want ACKNOWLEDGMENT? What, are they some kind of baby?!
And as far as their past accomplishments, well…
Look, they can’t seem to remember all the great things you’ve done for them.
Why should you remind them of their good behavior in the past?
Remember that whatever your partner has done for you in the past is dead and gone.
With one exception–be sure to let them know how their behavior in the past was SO MUCH BETTER than the way they behave today.
Wow, you used to dress up so nicely for me. Now look at you.
You were in such great shape when we met. What happened?
Relationship Killer #6: Bring Up All the Negatives, Dredge Up The Past
Be sure to bring up your grudges–dredge up all their past negative behaviors–feel free to throw it in their face whenever they’re the slightest bit concerned about your behavior.
That’ll show them!
Relationship Killer #7: Demand Complete Submission, Complete Agreement
She likes hip-hop and you like classic rock?
You’ve gone vegan and he’s into aged meats?
You must both hold the same beliefs, philosophies, political views or this relationship must be trashed.
There’s no room for disagreement in this relationship.
But don’t worry–it will be over sooner than you think.
Relationship Killer #8: Take Everything Seriously Including Yourself
Did she just make a joke about your weight?
Did you just have a complete flop of a sexual experience together?
Did you just break wind in church?
Take it serious.
Make a BIIIIG deal out of it. This is not fuel for Comedy. It’s a Tragedy!
Create large meaning out of these moments.
Laughter is not ok.
Not even a grin.
Keep your heart 2 sizes too small.
And if you keep this up–your reality will match your vision. You will experience true tragedy–as this relationship dies from the heavy burden of SERIOUSNESS.
Relationship Killer #9: Avoid Sharing–Live In Your Own World, Act Jealous of Their Accomplishments
She just won an award for her outstanding work in her company?
He just had his first public showing of his artwork?
Yada, yada, yada…so damn what?!
Why do you have to get excited when your own career is floundering? When you are having personal family problems or financial setbacks?
Are they TRYING to make you feel small??!!
How can they be happy when you are having such a tough time?
And since they are finding so much success they’re probably thinking of leaving you anyway right?
So go ahead, minimize their accomplishment. Avoid sharing in their joy. Let them know they arent the center of the universe.
Finally, Treat Your Relationship like an Endless Trust Fund Bank Account.
No need to make any deposits. The account will always have enough in it.
Until of course, the day your partner walks out and you realize, it’s all over.
So there you have it. The 9 Relationship Killers almost guaranteed to leave you enjoying your solitude for the next 50 years.
So Let’s Review the Relationship Killers to Avoid:
- Build a Wall
- Be Cold As Ice
- Don’t Think of Them
- Go Ahead–Multi-Task
- Never Apologize-Never Give In
- Bring Up All the Negatives., Dredge Up The Past OR bring up all the great things about his/her past and compare to present
- Demand Complete Submission, Complete Agreement
- Take everything Seriously including Yourself
- Avoid Sharing–Live In Your Own World, Act Jealous of their Accomplishments
- Assume your relationship is permanent and needs no maintenance.
So, now it’s time for a decision. Keep practicing the 9 Relationship Killers and reap the results…
Click this link and Practice the 8 Secret Methods to Avoid Relationship Burnout.
I know you’ll make the right choice.
Or you won’t.
It’s all up to you!
Questions? Thoughts? Opinions?
I’d love to hear from you!
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©2020 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT
Affinity Therapy Services