Why You Should and Shouldn’t Fake an Orgasm

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Wait, Its Not Just Women Who Fake?

First, let’s be clear on this–Faking orgasms is not an exclusive ability of women alone. While the male orgasm is fairly self-evident upon inspection, many women don’t actually inspect for it.

So yes, ladies, men also sometimes fake their orgasms. 

Why?

Because just like women, perhaps they’re tired, its been a long day and they want to satisfy their partner and avoid long drawn out discussions as to why they aren’t having an orgasm;

Or they want to spare their partner the concerns and insecurities that some people have when they cannot produce an orgasm in their partner. 

We are Humans, Not Machines.

Remember men and women are not ‘sex machines.’ Mood, energy, level of health, preoccupation with other matters can all interfere with an orgasmic experience.

In my private practice, I treat couples where one partner may try to ‘spare’ the other by pretending to have an orgasm.

But is it always the right thing to do?

Let’s investigate.

First, let’s look at the thought process:

• I must show my lover/spouse that they turn me on all the time.
• I must show them that I am a highly sexual being at all times.
• It would be horrible for my lover to feel inadequate or deficient in the bedroom.
• I cannot tolerate telling my lover that I need a different kind of stimulation.
• I should not tell my lover that I’m not feeling sexual right now.
• And if I don’t do any of these things, I’m a rotten lousy person and inadequate.
• My lover/spouse cannot handle criticism or correction or failure.
• I shouldn’t have to tell my partner what does and does not turn me on.
• Lovers shouldn’t have to explain the mechanics or preferences in sex.
• My partner should know intuitively what turns me on.
• I must not show dissatisfaction in the bedroom.
• If I don’t show that I’ve had an orgasm it means I’ve failed as a lover and I’m a failure.

So let’s go through and dispute the irrationality of these thoughts and ideas: 

‘I must show my lover/spouse that they turn me on all the time.’

CANT SHATTER THAT EGO, RIGHT?

Why? Is your partner so fragile that they can’t handle some obstacles in their goal of giving you satisfaction? What will happen to you if you let them know you like things differently? Or if you tell them that you don’t orgasm every time but that you enjoy being with them either way?  

‘I must show them that I am a highly sexual being at all times.’

Why? You’re not a machine, you’re a human being. You are not always turned on and you don’t have to be. No human is turned on every time their partner feels the desire.

‘It would be horrible for my lover to feel inadequate or deficient in the bedroom.’

What would make it horrible? Your lover won’t be able to improve without feedback. In order to improve on something, they need to know when it’s not working. 

‘I cannot tolerate telling my lover that I need a different kind of stimulation.’

What’s wrong with educating your partner on your body and your desire? Where is it written that lovers can’t educate one another? It could actually bring you closer and increase your partner’s self-satisfaction to know that he understands how to ‘play your instrument.’

‘I should not tell my lover that I’m not feeling sexual right now.’

Sometimes somebody makes you dinner but you’re not terribly hungry. You may even have an upset stomach. Why is it ok to say you’re not in the mood for food but sex must happen no matter what?  Remember, too, that you can feed your partner without eating yourself. So as a lover, you can help your partner to enjoy themselves without you necessarily having the exact same level of enjoyment. You can take pleasure in seeing them pleasured. And you have more than just your penis or vagina to give pleasure to your partner.

‘And if I don’t show my partner my orgasm, I’m a rotten lousy person and inadequate.’

Simply not true. Just as you shouldn’t judge your partner for their level of enjoyment, so too should you avoid putting yourself down for not being at the peak of pleasure every time. 

‘My lover/spouse cannot handle criticism or correction or failure. ‘

This is a tricky one. It may be somewhat true that your partner is testy and is rating themselves (and you) based on their ability to give you an orgasm. It that’s the case, all the more reason to have an open, frank conversation, perhaps outside the bedroom about people having orgasms, whether its mandatory to have one every time and what its like when you know your partner hasn’t had one. At its best, this kind of conversation can create a deeper intimacy between partners.

However, if your partner is highly insecure, you’ll need to tread lightly and let them know how much you enjoy being physically close to them. If you don’t, in fact, enjoy being physically close, well, you’ll have to let your partner know why…Hygiene? Physical fitness? Arguments that make you feel preoccupied? It’s important for the health of the relationship to open up communication.

Sex Must Be Organic and Natural

‘I shouldn’t have to tell my partner what does and does not turn me on. My partner should know intuitively what turns me on. Lovers shouldn’t have to explain the mechanics or preferences in sex.’

Often lovers choose to avoid communication about their lovemaking because they believe everything must be ‘natural’ and ‘organic’ and ‘intuitive.’

To that, I respond “WHY??!!!’ Why on earth do you need everything to be ‘natural?’

If that’s the case, you shouldn’t live in a home with indoor plumbing, refrigeration, cell phone, television, cars etc.  Much of our lives are not ‘naturally occurring’ or ‘organic.’ There is no universal law that everything be ‘completely natural’ so disabuse yourself of this notion if you want to have a happy relationship. 

Other Reasons To ‘Fake It’

There can also be other reasons that lover’s fake orgasms, some of these reasons are more challenging than others.

‘I’m already secretly having sex with someone else and I’m all worn out.’

I’ve been masturbating quite often and I’m worn out.

I don’t know my body very well and I don’t masturbate so I don’t know what feels good to my body.

When is ‘Faking’ the Right Thing To Do?

Are there times where faking an orgasm is a reasonable thing to do?

Sure there are.

Imagine for a moment that your lover has had a particularly grueling day, has received strong criticism at work, is having financial troubles, feels beaten by life. They go to bed with you with the idea that at least something in their life is going right–sex. At that time, if you aren’t terribly turned on and your lover is already in a poor mood, it might be ok to ‘fake it’ so that they don’t feel they’re failing in all areas of life. 

Perhaps you’re with a new lover and you don’t know them very well, you want your first or second time to be a happy affair for all and you figure, eventually, I’ll tell him my preferences after a few more dates.

Timing Is Everything

I had a client once, who brought a very large phallic vibrator out of her drawer on the very first night of lovemaking with her new lover. Unfortunately, her lover felt that this act was a commentary on his abilities and prowess and never called her back after that night. 

So, timing may be important.

Of course, you may insist, “I’m going to filter out the less than stellar lovers by stating my preferences early on and never faking my orgasm.”  And yes, the lover with a strong ego and healthy self-regard will be able to tolerate and even encourage this.

CONFIDENCE =

NON-DEMANDINGNESS

Confident lovers recognize that each sexual encounter is not definitive. An orgasm each and every time is not mandatory. A truly confident person–male or female– does not allow their self-esteem to rise or fall based on the outcome of every sexual encounter.

An insecure man will see the lack of orgasm as a judgment on his prowess, his manliness and his desirability to the woman.

Some people find it offensive when their partner fakes their orgasm. They perceive the partner as lacking enough confidence to assist them in helping the partner achieve it, too insecure to guide the person in their sexual behavior. They may also perceive that partner as dishonest and inauthentic.

However, early on in a relationship, the person who chooses to be authentic, and who also wants the other person to continue their relationship may want to offer subtle reassurance of enjoyment regardless of orgasm.

But let’s face it, female sexuality takes a bit more finesse and some men have a steep learning curve in order to get up to speed on what turns women on. 

And too, no two men/no two women are alike, so what worked for their last lover may not work for you. 

BE OPEN

Good sexual communication requires openness, flexibility and being present, not the typical qualities that society engenders in men. 

BE PATIENT

A man or woman who is dedicated to the pleasure of their partner may feel a slight ego bruise when they realize they haven’t figured out the magic combination that opens the other persons safe but with patient, caring guidance you can, in fact, lead him to the answers, which should minimize the need to ‘fake it.’

BE PRESENT

Try to stay in the moment. Don’t add extra meaning to your partner’s lack of orgasm. Certainly use it as information to become better attuned to your partner. But dont use their orgasm or lack thereof hold any meaning about your value, the relationships value or the value of your lives.

Have You Ever Faked? Have You Been Faked On?

Have you ever ‘faked it?’

Have you been ‘faked on?’

Was it the right thing to do?

How did you handle it?

Thoughts? Opinions?

I’d love to hear from you!

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copyright 2020 Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT 

Affinity Therapy Services

www.affinitytherapyservices.com 

323-248-9379, 323-646-4477