What should a couple know before deciding to go to Couples Counseling?

I believe every person in a couples relationship should find out the answers to these 10 questions:

1. Is my goal to repair this relationship?

2. Is my goal to end this relationship?

3. Do I feel like I’m burning out on this relationship?

4. Am I having an affair that I don’t wish to end, am unwilling to end?

5. Am I willing to reveal my individual concerns to a therapist without my partner present?

6. Am I willing to reveal my individual concerns to a therapist with my partner present?

7. Are we capable of sitting in the same room and remaining calm when discussing problems?

8. Are both partners committed to a zero-tolerance policy on violence and intimidation?

9. Are one or both partners suffering from a diagnosed mental health disorder?

10. . Ask the therapist–is your approach only to save marriages or do you consider whether divorce may be an appropriate solution for each individuals welfare?

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Let’s go over these questions and their purposes, one at a time.

1. Is my goal to repair this relationship?

That’s the #1 reason that most couples go to couples counseling and it’s a solid reason to do so. Couples counseling can often get a couple who’ve moved off track, back on the rails and working together for the happiness of both individuals.

2. Is my goal to end this relationship? 

Often its quite difficult to end a non-functional relationship. The hope of many therapists is to assist in repairing what appears to be broken but sometimes the cost-benefit ratio of staying in just doesn’t add up. What then?

A good couples therapist will assist a couple in transitioning from coupledom to separate lives with a minimum of damage. They can act as an emotional referee as two individuals decide to grow apart rather than together. Of course, a therapist doesn’t determine the direction of the relationship. Ideally, the therapist assists the couple in doing a cost/benefit analysis of the relationship in their lives.

3. Do I feel like I’m burning out on this relationship?

In couples therapy parlance, burnout means that one or both partners has no more life energy to give, feels depleted and without any more motivation or interest towards keeping the relationship alive.  This is like when your car runs out of oil but you continue operating it and it goes into the red ‘overheated’ zone. Keep driving it and you will burn out the engine. There’s no going back. The car is now dead.

Like the car, too many negative experiences without reprieve can put a relationship into the Burnout phase which makes it quite challenging to repair.

4. Am I having an affair that I don’t wish to end, am unwilling to end?

Affairs don’t have one single meaning. They can mean different things to different people. For one person an affair is a place where they feel appreciated and loved. For another, it’s simply an escape from routine into a perceived adventure. However, without tacit agreement from the relationship partner, the illicit connection threatens to undermine the trust of the couple. If someone comes to couples therapy but continues an outside relationship without their partner’s consent, it defeats the purpose of couples therapy. In these cases I recommend the partner having the affair seek out individual therapy first before deciding to seek couples counseling.

5. Am I willing to reveal my individual concerns to a therapist without my partner present?

Sometimes one partner needs to collect their thoughts and concerns and meet a therapist one on one, without their spouse or domestic partner. Sometimes you may have quite upsetting and disturbing thoughts or behaviors that you aren’t yet ready to share with your partner. This may be a good time to start with individual counseling.

6. Am I willing to reveal my individual concerns to a therapist with my partner present?

This is ideal for couples counseling but be forewarned–complete and utter honesty is not ALWAYS the best choice. Why? Because often our thoughts about our partners are not rational, not kind, not helpful. The old myths about complete honesty are not helpful for the long-term happiness of a couple. If you are concerned that something you might talk about would cause too much emotional pain for your partner, see if the therapist will allow you to talk individually with them without revealing your conversation to your partner. Some therapists let you know at the very beginning if they are willing to meet privately and their policy around individual confidentiality. Be sure to find out this crucial information.

7. Are we capable of sitting in the same room and remaining calm when discussing problems?

If the answer is yes, you are well on your way towards success in couples counseling. If the answer is maybe, then you may still be a good candidate for couples therapy. If the answer is a resounding ‘no!’ then individual counseling with a focus on the couple might be more appropriate right now.

8. Are both partners committed to a zero-tolerance policy on violence and intimidation?

Violence and abuse have no place in therapy and as a therapist, I have a zero-tolerance policy on acting out physically. Ultimately, violence in a couple is a legal issue that must be dealt with through legal means. The abuser may have emotions they find difficult to express but this does not give them the right to cross physical boundaries with their mate.

9. Are one or both partners suffering from a diagnosed mental health disorder?

If the answer is yes, consider individual therapy in conjunction with couples therapy. If you are suffering from anxiety or mood disorder or have severe life-impairing mental health problems, individual therapy should be your first stop before going to the couples couch.

10. Ask the therapist–is your approach only to save marriages or do you consider whether divorce may be an appropriate solution for each individuals welfare?

A well rounded, seasoned couples therapist recognizes that marriage in and of itself is not sacred. More important to the therapist is the long term happiness of the individeuals who have entered into the union. In this way, the therapist does not follow a cultural bias towards marriage and away from divorce. Instead they seek to maximize individual happiness and thereby, create a happier union if and when one is possible!

Sincerely,

Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT

Affinity Therapy Services

https://affinitytherapyservices.blogspot.com/

www.affinitytherapyservices.com 

323-248-9379