When you’ve been cheated on, there are a number of possible reactions.
Some people cannot seem to release themselves from the imagery of their mate with another lover.
Some people can’t stop wondering how they compare to the other person their mate chose to sleep with.
Some can’t accept that they were deceived and lied to.
In my 25 years of experience as a Couples Therapist I’ve found that the couples who can cross the bridge from Infidelity back to Fidelity show certain similar and consistent traits.
1. Flexibility–Couples who can move beyond a temporary straying from the nest have found a way to accept that interest in others does not mean a lack of love or even desire for your spouse or mate. They understand that sometimes affairs represent adventure, curiosity, an interruption of a life that may be too controlled or regimented. Some couples are even flexible to the point of allowing for extramarital activity–with ground rules.
2. Self Acceptance–Couples who can start over after an affair also have the ability to Accept themselves without Self Rating. They work together or with the help of a good couples therapist to avoid rating themselves as deficient or undesirable simply because their mate desired someone else.
3. Curiosity–Couples who survive infidelity are curious about their partner–they want to know what might have been missing in the relationship if anything. They want to know about their partner’s inner desires and motivations, not to simply condemn them for choosing another.
4. Dedication to the Relationship–when both partners are clear on the importance of their relationship, they often redouble their efforts to make it stronger.
5. Forgiveness–Forgiving, not necessarily forgetting, is a large element in helping couples traverse the road back to fidelity. Allowing for human flaws and failings and allowing your partner to reconnect is essential to moving beyond infidelity.
An affair does not always make a couple stronger, but often it can be a wake up call to one or both partners that something needs to change either individually or for both.
A couple that displays Flexibility, Self-Acceptance, Curiosity, Dedication and Forgiveness can use an affair as a catalyst for change and improvement in their mutual bond.
Sincerely,
Ross Grossman, MA, LMFT
Affinity Therapy Services
https://affinitytherapyservices.blogspot.com/
www.affinitytherapyservices.com
Categories: psychology
Rational Animal 